


hanging by my heartstrings (swingin', swingin', swingin')

by Shaedan



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, spoilers for episode 68-69
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 04:01:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8188849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shaedan/pseuds/Shaedan
Summary: As easy as breathing used to be, before everything happened, because now she can’t, she can’t—if she thought it hurt before then this is torture, it’s like drowning.The arrow goes straight through Ripley’s heart, as if her hands aren’t shaking, as if Percy doesn’t lie dead at her feet, as if the thing in her chest that used to shine so bright isn’t threatening to claw its way through her throat.But it comes. Her chance, it comes, it comes again as it has come a thousand times, but this time she can’t leave, can’t flee. »It’s yours,« she says, »oh but I should have told you, it’s yours.«(in which Vex is afraid, Percy has been dead for twenty-four hours but that only almost excuses that he doesn't remember, and I am definitely not okay with anything please hug me)





	

**Author's Note:**

> tfw both halves of your OTP has died in front of the other half.
> 
> tfw your OTP is about to become canon.
> 
> tfw you don't know what the fuck you're feeling.

Had she ever meant for it to go this far? She doesn’t think she had.

It’s just … Just ...

It just is. There. Right there. This little bright and bubbling thing that soars every time she looks at him and …

She can’t tell him. She’s not brave enough. Not brave enough to bare herself like that, to lay herself open and let him judge her, without any clever words and Vex-patented winks between them. Sometimes, she thinks she wants to, is about to, but then something comes in the way; Trinket, demanding head scratches, Vax, motioning to braid her hair, Keyleth, excitedly babbling away about something or other.

She loves them dearly, but they make it far too easy to be a coward.

Because she does what they want and when she’s done petting Trinket, or getting lectured by Vax, or serving as a sounding board for Keyleth’s boundless enthusiasm, she looks over at Percy, those busy hands twisting and turning over his latest project, and thinks, _I should_ , but can’t bring herself to; just returns to her spot and refuses to think until breathing becomes painless again.

She wishes she could do that now. Distract herself, disappear, not think until everything that makes her so afraid has slipped her mind. She thought that the bright thing in her chest hurt? That those nights were painful? Oh, but how little she knows. Oh, but how she wishes she could go back.

The scream that rips itself from her throat is instinctual, throwing herself across the glass that breaks through the soles of her boots and pricks a thousand little holes in her feet as easy as breathing. As easy as breathing used to be, before everything happened, because now she can’t, she can’t—if she thought it hurt before then this is torture, it’s like drowning.

The arrow goes straight through Ripley’s heart, as if her hands aren’t shaking, as if Percy doesn’t lie dead at her feet, as if the thing in her chest that used to shine so bright isn’t threatening to claw its way through her throat.

But it comes. Her chance, it comes, it comes again as it has come a thousand times, but this time she can’t leave, can’t flee. _It’s yours_ , she says, _oh but I should have told you, it’s yours_.

He wakes up, and light sputters back to life. He wakes up. And she thinks that, finally, this is it, it’s been done, she can only spread her arms and hope that someone catches her.

But—there is no fall. Because Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III has been dead for a day and says he does not remember. He does not remember anything.

Something in her holds out hope, though. It’s that bright thing, she suspects, because it still shines.

Perhaps … perhaps he just doesn’t want to discuss it in front of everyone. Yes; that must be it. Percy always was a private person, just like herself.

On the way to the castle, she walks beside him, trailing a bit behind the rest of the group; dying takes some getting used to, she knows, for both body and mind.

They get there. He still hasn’t said anything. Maybe he truly doesn’t remember, but oh, her heart sinks in her chest at that thought even though she tries to tell herself that it is a good thing. It is a good thing that he does not remember, because then ... then ...

She feels like crying. She feels like … She doesn’t know what she feels like, only that she does not like it.

A pub crawl is suggested. _Yes_ , she thinks, _I think I could use that_. This isn’t something she can recover from with some silence and a few minutes alone; this needs alcohol and silliness and family.

Watching Grog trick Jarret into drinking that ridiculous wine and the both of them drunkenly lisping their way through the rest of the night, watching Pike down two shots in the span of two minutes and fall down into a snoring, clattering pile, watching Vax stack a tower of trays and cups on top of Pike’s back; it’s easy to slip back into familiar patterns. She laughs and drinks and when she puts the tankard down, her hand brushes thick paper sticking out of her pocket and suddenly it’s not so easy anymore.

She picks it up. Keyleth notices. Vax grabs it out of her hand, reads it.

She didn’t … she didn’t know.

The letter said nothing about … about them. Nothing at all. But maybe he didn’t want to put it in a letter meant for everyone. Maybe … maybe …

No. She is tired of maybe’s. Tomorrow. She is going to tell him tomorrow.

 _I’m glad you’re back_.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Heartstrings by She is We. I have never written fanfic for this fandom before, so thanks for reading!
> 
> (I am sorry for any emotional damage I have caused but I offer no refunds for potential tears; however, you may receive a cuddly animal and some blankets as an apology. Please direct any complaints to my tumblr at shaedan.tumblr.com and I will do everything I can to help you.)


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